Hell hath no fury like the nine circles.

I am glad you are leaning new things. (Yes, happy numbers are a stupid thing, but so is math. Deal with it.) And I will now take extra pride in my countdown, which I secretly love to do anyways.

(Apologies in advance because this is one long post.)   

Theme of the day: Hell, because we all know that we are going to hell. And as Mark Twain said:

Go to heaven for the climate. Hell for the company.

Dante wrote an epic poem called The Divine Comedy which is divided into three parts: Inferno, Purgatorio, and Paradiso. And inferno is Italian for hell. And in Dante’s Inferno there are nine circles.

The first circle is called limbo. A place for the unbaptized – I did not know that was an actual word – and the virtuous pagans go. This place is not to bad. It has green fields and you get to hang out with Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Homer, Cicero and Julius Caesar among others, so not bad at all.

(Seriously, this might take a while) 

The second circle is for people overcome by lust. Here you are blown back and forth in a terrible storm, but you have a chance to get to know Cleopatra, Helen of Troy, Achilles, Paris and Tristan. So it could be worse, I mean they must have some rather sinful parties as well as you can have a party in the middle of a storm.

(For real, this is only the beginning.)

The third circle is for gluttons; the people who overindulge in whatever their addiction is. In this place you are “..forced to lie in a vile slush produced by ceaseless foul, icy rain.” So apparently it is cold in hell. Huh.

(You can’t quit now. You can’t.) 

The forth circle is for the greedy. You are divided into two groups those who hoarded stuff and those who squandered it. And then you have to push around giant weights with your chest against the other group. Or so I think.

(I promise you that this will continue on for longer than you would expect.)

The fifth circle is for the angry. And you have to fight other angry souls in the river Styx.  If you are a sullen soul you get to lie under the water. So you better refresh your swimming lessons.

(Keep going. You are only just over the half way point to the center of hell.)

The sixth circle is for the heretics, so people who believed in something that the Christian church did not deem good enough. So I guess I will end up here? Because the people who say “the soul dies with the body” end up here. And I don’t really believe in the afterlife. But I do get to spend eternity trapped in a burning tomb. Neat, right?

(You would think nine circles would be enough, but oh no. From now on each circle have several rings/pockets/rounds. Consider this your warning.)

The seventh circle is where the violent get to go and this circle is divided into three rings, because there is clearly different kinds of violence.

In the outer ring you get to go to if you have been violent towards people (or property) and you are then immersed into a river of boiling blood and fire.

The middle circle is reserved for people who commit suicide, violence against oneself and if you do go here you are turned into a bush and then harpies eat you.

In the inner circle we have the people who are violent against God and nature. So here we have blasphemers, sodomites and bankers – well, usurers. And in this circle you live in a dessert of flaming sand and with fire falling form the sky. And if you are blasphemous you lie in the sand, sodomites sit and usurers wander. So good times for be had for all.

(This is where I don’t want to write more but I am too stubborn to stop.)

The eight circle contains people guilty of deliberate, knowing evil and these people live in ten different pockets. Handy dandy list of which pocket you get to stay in and what your punishment is.

  1. For pimps and seducers who march around while being whipped by demons.
  2. For people who have used excessive flattery and they get to be dipped in feces.
  3. For those who have committed simony and they get have their heads stuck in a rock while their feet are on fire.
  4. For sorcerers, astrologers, and false prophets who have their heads twisted around.
  5. For corrupt politicians who are stuck in a lake of boiling tar.
  6. For hypocrites who have to wear lead cloaks.
  7. For thieves who are chased by snakes and lizards that take part of their identity.
  8. For those who have advised others of doing evil and they get to burn in their very own individual flame.
  9. For those who deliberately exploit the passion of others and they get have their limbs hacked off and then when they are almost healed they are torn apart again.
  10. For falsifiers of any kind who are subjected to different diseases.

(Last circle. You have almost made it.)

The ninth circle is for the traitors, a level worse than the people in the eight circle because their acts are a betrayal of a important relationship. If you end up in this part of hell you will not burn or be encompassed by fire, but frozen in ice. And the higher in the four rounds you have been placed the more ice surrounds you

The first round is called Caïna and is named after Cain, so you have correctly guessed that this is where you end up if you betray your family and you will be immersed in ice up till your neck.

The second round is called Antenora and it is named so after Antenor of Troy who betrayed his city to the Greeks so you end up here if you betray your community and you are stuck in ice up till your face.

The third round is called Ptolomaea and it is named after Ptolemy who invited guests over and then killed them and it is here you end up if you betray your guests. Here you get to lie down in the ice and only have your face be free.

The fourth round is called Judecca and it is named after Judas, so this is your final destination if you betray your lord or benefactor. Here you get the pleasure of being completely submersed in ice while your body is twisted in odd angles.

(I didn’t lie that was the last circle. But there is more.)

And lastly we have the center of hell. Here we have Satan who committed the ultimate sin. What is the ultimate sin you ask? Well that would be personal treachery against God. Satan is stuck in a giant ice block to his waist while trying to escape using his six wings to no avail due to some terrible cold winds.

Satan might have betrayed God but his is still doing his bidding, because he is chewing on three prominent traitors; Brutus and Cassius who betrayed Caesar and Judas himself.

The end!

(Finally!)

I would like to thank Wikipedia for without it this would not have been possible. So blame the creators of Wikipedia and not me.

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